Thursday, March 17, 2011

Second Age Reviews: Night Train to Terror


No. No, I refuse. I refuse to write another fucking review where I tell you how much a movie sucks but how much fun it can be if you have a good crowd. That's not productive. I don't want to write it and you don't want to read it.

For context, this movie shares the distinction of being 3 aborted movie projects sewn together by a paper thin plot about God and the Devil on a train with some rock stars (no really). The first story has to do with some organ harvesting scheme at a mental asylum, the second with a cult of people who have close brushes with death for the kicks and the third with some...vampire, Nazi, demon, thing. Any of the three would be completely incoherent on it's own and together they are even more confusing.

The bad consists of the direction, the screenplay, the stories, the acting, the dialogue, the characterization, the special effects, the editing (dear god the editing). A claymation monster from the last story is literally the worst effect I've ever seen in my life (and I've seen Clash of the Titans), some of the shots of explosions are insults to stock footage. Items literally appear out of thin air, a high level monster is introduced and forgotten in the same scene and there is a potato masher and spatula in one of the villains torture chamber.

The good is non-existent.

Look, if you've even glanced at the wiki, you know this film sucks and that you should only see it with a sarcastic crowd, you don't need me to tell you. So that's all I want to say on the subject. Sorry, I just don't think I should sink a massive amount of time and energy into this movie. I'll see Red Riding Hood on tuesday to make it up to you, okay? See you next time.

Next on Second Age Reviews: Darkman

Elessar is a 21 year old, Alaskan born cinephile and the song the band sings is going to be stuck in his head for the rest of his life.

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