Author's Note: This film was watched with the Rifftrax playing along side. The reviewer doubts that his opinion would be altered by the Rifftrax playing, but it certainly made watching the film a little more bearable. Also, Jesus loves Rifftrax and so should you.
When a reviewers first thoughts upon finishing a film are “...Why did I do that to myself?” the review is probably not going to be positive. And while yet ANOTHER negative review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon is probably redundant, well what do you want, it's what I watched. Quick version of my history: No, I'm not a fan of the Transformers, comics, animated shows, toys, video games, whatever. I watched a little Beast Wars when I was very very young, but I don't remember any of it. The first movie...well I don't remember much of it. I remember being generally entertained at the time, but as with Beast Wars I couldn't remember a single thing about it.
Still, I was ready to shove it with the other Michael Bay 'dumb fun' movie, IE Bad Boyz II. After all it wasn't nearly as bad as Armageddon. Or Pearl Harbor. Or The Island. How come he gets to keep making movies? Anyway, then the second one came out and I'm pretty sure it actually shortened my lifespan with how bad it was. Seriously, every single problem the first one had was tripled and everything I can remember being entertained by was drained out. So expectations were not high for this one.
So how is it? Well, the hour long final battle is quite visually impressive, mostly because the limitations posed by 3D cameras and it's inability to handle his usual rapid-fire editing makes Bay calm down a bit. But it has the same problem the second one had (and the first one for that matter) in that the big robot fights we're supposed to be here for keep getting sidelined for the human bullshit that just pisses me off. Perfect example: The bad guys have just summoned dozens of new enemies, vastly outnumbering and outgunning the heroes and...we cut away to Shia trying to get his girlfriend back. And this extends into the main battle, to the point where the final duel keeps getting cut away from to show us Shia and some other douchebag who's name I don't know having a punch up on top of a rock.
And it takes us an HOUR to get there and that hour (and the finale) have all of the problems of the first two. The dialogue is painful, the humor is stupid, the stakes make no sense, the characters are one dimensional and the acting is painfully bad. Oh and we can add John Malkovich and Francis McDormand to the list of actors appearing in this film who really should better, along with John Tuturro (all of whom make me want to go watch better films).
Overall it's not the worst movie of the year, technically. Green Lantern was worse. Red State was worse. But on the whole, it's just bad. It's stupid, poorly made and generally boring. The only reason I was even able to sit through the whole thing was because of the Rifftrax (remember: Jesus loves Rifftrax) so if you want my advice? Buy the Rifftrax, pirate the movie. I'll see you next time.
Elssar is a 21 year old Alaskan born cinephile and he told you he'd end up doing a DVD review that wasn't a documentary.