Friday, December 30, 2011

Worst Five Movies of 2011

Well why not? It's content, it allows me to do something I love doing (IE ragging on terrible movies) and it allows you to see what I consider to be truly terrible. A lot of respectable reviewers (IE people who don't use fucking in their reviews, or at least try to keep it down) do it. So again: why not?

#5: Sucker Punch

Well I thought it was terrible. Lazily scripted with flat, boring characters, this was always going to be panned by me. But the really clincher was that the way the action was presented meant there was never even the slightest amount of tension in it. If a character can get flung across the room at 100 miles an hour and stand up without her hair mussed, why should I care?

#4: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Worse than the first and better than the second and if THAT isn't damning with faint praise, I don't know what is. An overly long, irritating, mindless chore of a movie. For once the action isn't fast paced or in too close, but I think that's more of a biproduct of the 3D than any directorial choice. And goddammit, why in a movie about giant robots fighting are we still on about the douche from Disturbia and his personalityless chick friend?

#3: Green Lantern

We all knew this was gonna be here. You know what's weird? Outside of Buried the only times I can honestly remember seeing Ryan Reynolds and not hating the product was when he was in an episode of Scrubs and when he was the cold-open victim in an episode of The X-Files. Go figure. Anyway, the best thing I can say about this movie is that it managed to be expensive enough and critically panned enough that it probably killed off any idea of a sequel and hopefully taught superhero movies to shape up. Hopefully.

#2: Battle: Los Angeles

I'm sorry Mr. Eckhart, you're gonna have to pull double duty to make up for this. And you were doing so well. As for the movie well for most people it would be a career low point for them. Except that this director's career contains the platinum dunes Texas Chainsaw Massacre prequel, so it's technically a step up for him. And that thought kinda makes me wanna cut myself and cry. Oh well, at least it's better than Skyline.

#1: Red State

Red State, you'll recall is the movie that I opened the review with "Holy shit does this suck" which is rather indicative of it's quality. Poor, poor Kevin Smith. He had such a promising start. But with his movies from this decade including this, Cop Out and Jersey Girl, I don't think anyone will be missing him when he puts himself in self-imposed retirement after Hit Somebody (which is apparently really happening).

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