Sunday, February 26, 2012

DVD Review: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

As with Transformers: Dark of the Moon, this movie was watched by the reviewer with Rifftrax included, and he would like to remind you that Jesus loves Rifftrax and so should you.

Right now, this all seems kind of pointless. Twilight, as a cultural movement is dying, everyone who cares knows it sucks and even internet snarkyness has begun to die down. Who honestly cares if I come out and tell you what you already know that, yes, this move is fucking terrible? Well I do, because I've been rather lacking in content these last few days, so away we go.

I'm not going to beat around the bush, not going to recap the plot, not going to bitch about the actors hate being there, the direction is flat, the CGI is laughable and the script can go straight to hell. Instead I'm going to tell you the two things that set this one apart. The first is this: This is the most padded movie since Birdemic. I'm not kidding. There are perhaps 20-40 minutes worth of actual event, that you'd need to include, in the movie and the rest is padding so they can split it into 2 movies and charge their fanbase twice. It's takes a full 50 minutes and change to get to 'Bella's pregnant' and someone who wasn't mercilessly padding with repeated shots and shitty emo songs could have done it in 20.

Oh that's the other thing that sets this apart: Now that Edward and Bella are married, they can dump the creepy abstinence metaphors in favor of creepy pro-life (or anti-choice as I continue to call it) metaphors. Apart from that, it's a run of the mill Twilight movie. I've made a habit of watching Twilight movies with the Rifftrax as they come out, which tend to be some of their best work, so I highly recommend that. As for the movie on it's own? Fuck that noise.

Elessar is a 22 year old Alaskan born cinephile and he'll never forgive this movie for putting him on the same side of an argument as Edward Cullen.

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