Tuesday, August 21, 2012

DVD Review: Jack and Jill

I. But. You. NO!

No. No no no no no. I cannot do this. I WILL not do this. This is not something that I need to write. This is not something anyone WANTS me to write. What can I say about this movie that has any relevancy, that hasn't been said 20 times already? It won ALL of the Razzies. ALL OF THEM! And they were well deserved.

And don't think this is a bad movie thing. This is beyond that. There are bad movies I enjoy, ironically but still. There are bad movies that I hate, just because they're boring or irritating messes. This is beyond that, so far beyond that that I can't even see it anymore. Past The Room. Past Birdemic. Past even The Star Wars Holiday Special, into the nether regions where you find my most hated movie list, like The Condemned.

So I'm not going to recount the plot. I'm not going to babble about screenplay and story structure and how the thing looks like it was shot in a weekend in someone's backyard (and it cost 79 MILLION DOLLARS TO MAKE! ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME?) What I am going to say is that this movie is disgusting, juvenile, boring and insulting. One of the lamest, most pathetic, most irritatingly condescending movies I've seen in my life. Destined to be on my 'worst of all time' lists for a long. Long. LONG. Time. Worse than The Room or Showgirls. Worse than Transformers 2. Worse than Red State. A 90 minute black hole of despair and emptiness from which NOTHING can escape. No enjoyment. No happiness. No emotion even. Every movie I see for the rest of the year will look better by comparison to this. Do not see this movie. EVER.

Elessar is a 22 year old Alaskan born cinephile and he nearly threw out his copy of Punch Drunk Love thanks to this.

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